Core Concepts: Not everything they say about leadership is true...
Knowing Self-Aware Leadership
Hello KSKOers
Today’s blog is inspired by a thought I had whilst chopping vegetables the other day. There are two phrases we often hear bandied about regarding leadership, that I just don’t agree with. Join me as I jump on my soap box to debunk the myths that ‘leadership is a lonely place’ and ‘I’m not here to make friends’.
Looking forward to joining you on your learning journey.
Leadership is relational, not solitary — you cannot be a leader in an empty room. Leadership is socially constructed; it only exists when others choose to follow you.
Loneliness is a symptom, not a feature — when leadership feels lonely, it tends to reflect a lack of meaningful connection, trust, or self-awareness, not an inevitability of the role.
Leaders exist at every level — research shows that effective leadership emerges throughout organisations, wherever individuals represent others and gather followers. The top is not the only place leadership lives.
Distance erodes self-awareness — leaders operating furthest from frontline delivery are often found to have lower self-awareness, and it is in that distance that isolation tends to take root.
Connection is not optional — leaders who invest in relationships, seek perspectives and remain curious about how they are experienced by others are far less likely to find themselves isolated when things get hard.
“I’m not here to make friends” carries a cost — positioning yourself as a lone wolf risks signalling that relational qualities like empathy, openness and respect are weaknesses. People notice - they see, hear and feel the aloofness, even if they can’t name it.
Likeability and effectiveness share the same DNA — research into likeability and leadership found that the qualities associated with each were remarkably similar, not two separate sets of attributes, but the same qualities expressed in different degrees.
Trust unlocks discretionary effort — where there is trust, people contribute, share ideas and take ownership. Where there is distance, engagement becomes guarded and functional. The difference between giving 110% and 99.9% to your job is a relational one.
Both phrases assume distance is strength — but it isn’t. Research and lived experience consistently tell us that leadership is not diminished by connection. It is strengthened by it.
The Last Word
The language we use about leadership shapes the leadership we practise. Rather than accepting loneliness as the price of responsibility, we might recognise it as a signal that connection and self-awareness need attention. Rather than keeping people at arm’s length, we might invest in the respectful, trusting relationships that allow everyone to do their best work. These reframes may be less meme-worthy, but they are closer to what leadership actually needs today, in our deeply human workplaces.
More to Read…
Nia is an expert leader who talks the talk and walks the walk. She is an academically awarded thought leader in self-aware leadership and practices self-aware leadership every single day in her role as an Interim CEO in a homelessness charity.
Find out more about Self-Aware Leadership by getting your very own copy of The Self-Awareness Superhighway! It’s an Amazon Best Seller in.....
🥇Business Management & Leadership
🥇Occupational & Organisational Psychology
🥇Business Careers
