Hello KSKOers
This week, a conversation reminded me of an old story I’ve wanted to to share with you - my lived experience of micromanagement, bullying, and working with unpleasant colleagues. It’s a theme that has replayed through my career, sometimes painfully, but always with lessons that eventually made me a stronger, more self-aware leader.
Looking forward to joining you on your learning journey!
The First Word
I’ve had my fair share of difficult managers. Some came from the “old school” of management: you did what you were told, and your work existed to serve the boss, not the organisation or the customer. One in particular, let’s call them Steep Gradient, was a bully. As I wrote in my book, they “came from the old school of management where people did what you told them and work was in service to the boss. They were a bully, plain and simple”. It took me years to recover, not just professionally but emotionally too.
By contrast, I also worked alongside colleagues who weren’t managers at all but were true leaders. I call one the Fairy Goth Mother: “They had the ability to act as a go-between and translate worker worries into management speak and translate manager speak into ‘What they’re really trying to say is…’”. Those experiences highlighted the chasm between bullying “bosses” and genuine leaders.
Toxic Leadership in Disguise
Micromanagers often wear their behaviour like armour. They believe control equals competence. In reality, it creates defensiveness, mistrust, and
emotional exhaustion. My research found that “behaviours like over-controlling tendencies, abrasiveness, arrogance, and alienation are common barriers to positive working relationships”.
Bullying goes further. It’s not always the obvious shouting or public dressing down. Sometimes it’s insidious: exclusion from opportunities, using personal details to undermine staff, or standing by while others are “thrown under the bus”. Left unchecked, these patterns normalise toxic cultures.
I once led a project where steering group meetings felt less like collaboration and more like performance reviews in disguise. Instead of celebrating progress, managers would nit-pick, shift blame, and tear down the efforts of others. One day, I called my manager for a debrief, only to have a colleague hijack the call and deliver a tirade of verbal abuse. As I described in my book: “It was the one and only time in my professional career when I’ve had to tell another colleague that I was putting the phone down on them”. That moment was a turning point. I realised how dangerous it is when toxicity is tolerated, and how quickly fear replaces trust.
The Impact on Colleagues
The ripple effects are profound. Toxic leaders create workplaces where psychological safety vanishes. Amy Edmondson defines psychological safety as the belief that you can speak up without fear of punishment. Without it, people stay silent, innovation dies, and wellbeing suffers.
I’ve spoken with experts like Nicki Eyre and Jonathan Wilson, who confirm that bullying erodes trust and silences collaboration. And I’ve seen it first-hand: toxic workplaces can make you feel ill on a Sunday night, dreading the week ahead, or leave you burnt out and questioning your worth.
One of the hardest things about these environments is the gaslighting effect. You start doubting yourself. Maybe it’s me! Maybe I am too sensitive. Maybe I am the problem. That’s exactly how micromanagers and bullies maintain power. Yet, looking back, I now see those doubts as red flags, signals that something wasn’t right, and that my self-awareness was nudging me to pay attention.
But there’s hope too. In another organisation, I met that Fairy Goth Mother figure. They reminded me that leadership is not about hierarchy but about impact. The contrast between the Road Blocks and the Fairy Goth Mother still shapes how I think about leadership today.
Protecting Your Mental Health
If you’ve ever been stuck with an unpleasant manager or colleague, you’ll know the toll it takes. Over the years, I’ve learned to protect my mental health in five key ways:
Set Boundaries Early – Decide what behaviours you will and won’t accept. Boundaries aren’t selfish; they’re self-preserving.
Document Everything – Keep a record of incidents, emails, and conversations. It gives you clarity and, if needed, evidence.
Find Allies – Seek out trusted colleagues, mentors, or even external coaches. Sometimes the best support comes from those outside your direct circle.
Prioritise Self-Care – Burnout often creeps up. As Amy Gandon said, “we need to define what self-care means for us before we can start practising it”.
Speak Up Safely – Use formal channels like HR, “speak up” programmes, or trusted peer messengers. Even if change feels slow, your voice matters.
The Last Word
Working under a bully or micromanager can be soul-destroying. I’ve lived it. But I’ve also come out the other side with greater clarity about the kind of leader I don’t want to be. My advice is this: don’t let their behaviour define your career. Instead, let it refine your awareness, your standards, and your voice.
Because organisations don’t thrive on fear. They thrive on trust, respect, and psychological safety. And if you’re ever in doubt, remember: your life, career, and wellbeing will rise or fall to the level of the standards you defend. So raise your bar, and protect your own light, no matter how much others try to dim it.
Nia is an expert leader who talks the talk and walks the walk. She is an academically awarded thought leader in self-aware leadership and practices self-aware leadership every single day in her role as a Chief Operating Officer in a mother and baby charity.
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