Cultivating Curiosity: 5 Ways to Take the Sting Out of Feedback
Knowing Self-Aware Leadership
Hello KSKOers!
From September I’m shaking up the schedule a bit! I’m going to be writing more articles about self-aware leadership and being a person centred human in the world of work. I wanted to share with you the kind of article that I’ll be writing more of.
Some articles will be wholly free and some will be for paid subscribers only. Many articles will include special access to exclusive extracts from my book, The Self-Awareness Superhighway: Charting Your Leadership Journey.
Enjoy!
Looking forward to having you on my learning journey!
Feedback is a gift.
And yet it stings like a bee!
I’ve spoken to a lot of podcast guests about feedback and how beneficial it is to our development. We can learn from feedback, grow and improve. It can be a catalyst for rich developmental opportunities. And we do indeed need to be grateful for those who step up and give it kindly and constructively.
Yet, I have to admit, I’m not good at receiving feedback. My initial response is to rebel and defend my position. A sense of wrathful indignation wells up in my chest and I want to erase that person from my contacts list. I feel affronted and disrespected, upset and unappreciated. Well, for a day or two maybe. And then, I take stock. I consider all I know about self-awareness and a curious mindset and I get to work unpicking, unwraveling, understanding, learning and growing.
Here are 5 ways that curiosity can be a balm to the bee sting of feedback…..
1. 🐝 Ask Them Before They Tell You
Proactively seek feedback before it is offered. Get ahead of that juggernaut! Generally, when feedback is offered before it’s sought it’s likely to be a revelatory sting and maybe something you weren’t prepared for. Be the one to ask for feedback. That way, you’re always prepared for the feedback - good, bad or indifferent. By asking for feedback first, you demonstrate an openness and a willingness to improve, which can help people feel more confident and less nervous about delivery the message. It makes feedback feel like a collaborative discussion rather than an imposed critique.
2. 🐝 Seek Feedforward, Not Feedback
Focus on future-oriented questions rather than past-orientated questions. You can’t do anything about the past! It’s gone, it’s done, it’s over! You can mull it over, reflect on it and regret it. You can overthink it and ruminate on it and wonder “if only…”. But it’ll serve you no good. Instead focus on what you can do. What can you control? What can you learn? What can you change and improve?
Instead of asking, "how did I do?", “did I do a good job?”, “do you think it went ok?”, ask questions like…
What could I do differently?
What could I do more of?
What could I do less of?
Take the approach that there’s always more to learn and alway an opportunity to improve and grow.
3. 🐝 Be Discerning About Who You Take Criticism From
Choose your advisors wisely. Consider whose feedback you value and decide carefully. Not all feedback is created equal! It’s important to be selective about whose opinions you choose to hear, listen to and act on. Prioritise feedback from those people who have your best interests at heart. Approach the people who understand your goals, and have the expertise or experience to offer valuable insights. Recognise that the ‘haters gonna hate’, and their input will be as helpful as salt when what you need is honey. Take constructive criticism from those that truly want to help you grow.
4. 🐝 Be Curious About Others’ Opinions
Approach feedback with genuine curiosity. Allow yourself to feel the sting and the emotional hurt and then, become curious. Consider that their frame of reference is created by their childhood, their parenting, their education, their life experiences and their trauma. You cannot know what biases, worries and life goals drive their opinions. Ask follow-up questions to understand the other person's perspective fully.
Say…
Tell me more
What information brought you to that conclusion?
Share your ideas with me
Shows that you value their input and are interested in learning, even if at first you may not appear to agree. It can turn an awkward situation into a constructive conversation.
5. 🐝 Let a Growth Mindset Steer Your Course
A little while ago, I read ‘Mindset’ by Dr Carol D Dweck. It really is a brilliant book! I recognised myself immediately as a an inflexible fixed-mindsetter. A fixed mindset doesn’t mean you’re not innovative and smart, but it does mean you’re not very good at changing your mind once it’s made up.
What I also learned from Carol Dweck was that being ‘fixed of mindset’ was also a choice. When you don’t know that something’s a choice, how can you possibly make it, right? Discovering I had a choice, totally changed my outlook!. Once you know you have choice, a whole world of opportunity opens up to you! I realised I could feel the sting of feedback and then choose to ‘win or learn’, as the great Mandela once said.
Embrace feedback as an essential part of your development journey. Take a growth mindset approach. View criticisms as opportunities to improve rather than threats to your self-esteem. Remind yourself that every piece of constructive feedback is a stepping stone towards becoming better at what you do and an exemplary leader.
The Last Word
Think curiosity, think resilience and think optimism. Remember, being curious retains your autonomy. Feedback may sting, but you can control the impact of that sting with your mindset and your actions. Focus on the long-term benefits of continuous learning and growth. Own your feedback, positive or negative.
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Nia is an expert leader who talks the talk and walks the walk. She is an academically awarded thought leader in self-aware leadership and practices self-aware leadership every single day in her role as a Director in a Children’s Charity.
Find out more about Self-Aware Leadership by getting your very own copy of The Self-Awareness Superhighway now!
Love it! Feedback is one of the most difficult challenges emotionally. I particularly appreciate the notion of “Feedforward” as a way of reframing and of getting only productive evaluation. One of the biggest sticking points is our innate negativity bias, which tends to amplify bad news and suppress good news. If someone offers nine compliments and one criticism, we tend to focus almost entirely on the one criticism. Reframing can help mitigate that bias. Thanks!
Great article Nia, very insightful and good practical advice. I would say cultivating a proactive feedback approach, focusing on the future as part of a growth mindset, has served me well. Feedback is a gift.